These days, it is easy for men to find information and tips on how to be a better golfer, how to build their pectoral muscles, or how to behave on a date. But if they want to learn how to catcall, there is a surprising dearth of data and guidance out there.
Whether a guy is working at a construction site or playing basketball with his friends, when a woman walks by and he feels the urge to say something, he’s on his own. There are no helpful hints available, no where he can go to learn how to whistle, hoot, and holler properly – until now!
Here are a few long overdue tips for those men who love to catcall:
1. Be self-aware. Gentlemen, if you are missing teeth, have a tattoo of Satan on your arm, and you are carrying a giant saw, you are better off keeping your mouth shut entirely. Your comments will scare the crap out of any woman who walks by. Your goal is to flatter a woman, not to inspire her to invest in pepper spray and a high-tech security system.
2. Geography matters. While it might be proper to say “hello Ma’am,” in the South, if you are North of the Mason Dixon line and you call a thirty-something woman “Ma’am,” you might get punched in the face. “Ma’am” is akin to saying “Hey old lady.” Always use “Miss” in a catcall.
3. Think about the words you’re saying. It is simply not in your best interest to say things like “Oh baby, I wanna take you home to Momma.” Women perceive a comment like this one as a threat. She does not want to meet your mother – ever.
4. Don’t play favorites. Do you have to yell at the scantily clad nineteen year-old woman when the rest of us are walking by in our baggy frumpy work clothes? Your comments serve as a painful reminder that we can no longer wear short shorts because we have bigger buns than Cinnabon. Remember: when you whistle at that girl, you gain one friend, but you make a thousand enemies who will never forget your face or the fact that there is a sledge hammer sitting three feet from you every morning.
5. A woman is not a giant pork chop. What is with the food sounds? Slurping, drooling, or whispering “delicious” in a creepy voice is not flattering to any of us. We are women, not a juicy slab of meat. When we hear these sounds, we can’t help but wonder if you are about to chase after us with a bucket of marinade and a steak knife.
6. Keep dating. Chances are you will not meet the girl of your dreams by yelling at random women from the top of a scaffolding platform. Perhaps you’ve already figured this one out, but it is worth mentioning again here.
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she is thrilled if a dirty guy standing in a sewer calls her “yummy,” but none of us are there yet. So, please stick with the standard catcalls like “Hey beautiful,” “Smile honey” and the like. When we hear these comments, we can go on our merry way feeling flattered that you noticed us and, you can go about your day knowing that you’ve done a good deed for womankind. Copyright © 2009 Alison James