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Whatcha Gonna Do with All that “Man Junk” in His Trunk?

junk1There comes a time in every woman’s life when she moves in with the man she loves and finds herself surrounded by a mountain of “man junk.”

I’m not talking about a guy’s big old butt.  I’m talking about all the junk in his house or apartment — the old posters, DVDs, bizarre figurines, beer mugs, trinkets, Mardi Gras beads, wires, and plastic pieces from old gadgets that that he threw in a box in his closet.

In fairness to men, they don’t see these items as “junk.”  This clutter is their personal treasure, a special little slice of their bachelor past.  They believe there is intrinsic value in that can opener they picked up at Oktoberfest 2002 or the swimsuit model cheese plates they got for their 21st birthday.

And in their defense, some of these items might be worth something someday to someone, somewhere…maybe.  That old rusty electronic thing could be a valuable antique if you hold on to it for another 500 years, couldn’t it?

The problem is that we, as women, do not want to eat, sleep and live our life amidst a mountain of man junk.  We want to live with him, not with his statue of Chewbacca.

So, sometimes no matter how much we love the man, the man junk has to go.

But what’s a girl to do?  Out of respect and courtesy for the guy we love, we can’t just throw away his man junk when he’s not around.  We can’t erase his precious past with one trip to a nearby dumpster no matter how much we want to.  If we lose his junk in this rash and thoughtless way, we might lose him too.

So we have to take it slow, removing the junk a little at a time, deliberately, and with great care so we don’t destroy his ego right along with that ugly sugar bowl in his kitchen.

Here are your main options for getting rid of man junk:

#1: Donate it. The Salvation Army can be your Salvation ladies.  Every month, hold up a few of his items and say to him “I wonder if someone out there would get more use out of this old mug than we do?”  Many times, he’ll agree with you and then you can get these items out of your life without feeling guilty about doing it.  (Just be careful not to dump his dirty movies in the church donation bin or you’ll give a nun a heart attack.)

#2:  Create a “man cave” for his “man junk.” Find a special nook in the house where his furry chair covers can rest peacefully, alone, far away from you and anyone who might stop by to visit.  While a man cave might seem like a painful concession because you’re giving up valuable space in your house, over time you’ll find that it’s worth the sacrifice because you can just shove all his crap inside the room, shut the door and forget about it.  Then, he can go into his man cave, surround himself with furry furniture and roll around in old Farrah Fawcett posters until his heart’s content.

There is one more way to deal with man junk, but it is for extreme emergencies only.  When he owns an item that you despise and even fear, an item that keeps coming back from the dead like a zombie, showing up in the living room again and again no matter how many times you try to bury it, it’s time to use the old “woops, I broke it” routine.   You can rip that smutty pornographic poster right down the center “by accident” when you walk by it.  But remember, ruining his stuff is not cool so this tactic is for extreme emergencies only.

The key to excavating a bachelor pad successfully is to work slowly, carefully, and respectfully.  Don’t try to rid the space of its dingy demons all at once or he’ll definitely freak out.  When it comes to dealing with man junk, slow and steady wins the race to a cleaner, nicer, well-decorated living space.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

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