It was all going fine for a while. Nothing was on fire, the kitchen was still intact, and no alarms were going off. But at some point, the testosterone-filled part of his brain took over and he started adventure-seeking – in the kitchen. I could see the gears turning in his little head, searching frantically for a way to spice up the cookie baking experience.

It all went downhill from there.

I would hear him mumble under his breath “I wonder what would happen if [insert insane suggestion].” And finally he had a bright idea that he put into action. “I wonder what would happen if I baked the green gel right into the cookies instead of putting it on top of them after they cool.”

So, here you have it – a Saint Patrick’s Day sugar cookie…sort of.  He is calling it a “lucky cookie” but it looks like its luck ran out a long time ago.

• Even the most dumbass idea looks intelligent if you present it with colorful charts and graphs. 
• It is possible to say the same thing three hundred and fifty different ways.
• Using phrases like “synergy savings” “best practices” and “core competencies” is an excellent way to disguise the fact that you have no idea what you are talking about.
• Even fly-in animation can’t make finance or law more interesting.
• No matter what your plan is in life, you can always expect “Opportunities & Challenges.”

Are your gift cards controlling your life? Do they have you trapped inside a plastic prison? Here are the signs to look for:

• Every time you open your wallet and see the gift cards tucked inside, you experience an intense flood of negative emotions – anxiety and guilt because you haven’t used them yet, fear that someone is going to steal your wallet and take the gift cards and you’ll have no way to prove they were there, and anger toward the gift giver for placing this burden on you in the first place.

• You rack your brain trying to come up with things you can purchase with the gift card that might be vaguely useful. You find yourself thinking “Hmm… a battery operated travel-sized shampoo dispenser isn’t such a bad idea after all! Or maybe I can use one of those magic balls that absorb dust from the room!”

• You plan your weekend shopping trips around getting to those stores where you can use the gift cards.

• You make a purchase at the store, but forget to use the gift card, and then beat yourself up relentlessly because you didn’t use it.

• You live in chronic fear that the gift card is too close to your ATM card in your wallet and is somehow going to suck the life force out of it or gnaw away at its magnetic strip.

• You find yourself pulling out the gift card by accident at the most inopportune times. You accidentally flash your Victoria’s Secret gift card at the creepy security guard in the lobby instead of your identification, and then freak out because you know he is now picturing you wearing lingerie.

• Your sense of value is becoming distorted. You are holding on to a gift card that’s more than two years old solely because it has a remaining balance of $1.75 on it. Yet, you lost that much change on the street last week when you dropped your wallet and it didn’t even faze you.

• When you watch the news and hear stories about companies going out of business, you feel fear in your heart that your gift cards won’t be honored in federal bankruptcy proceedings.

• You measure your net worth in 401(k), savings accounts and gift card remaining balances.

Do any of these conditions sound familiar? If so, your gift cards are controlling your life. But don’t worry — you can fight back and reclaim your freedom using the three R’s of recovery:  Recognize the symptoms; Remember that you are a strong person and you don’t have to put up with this crap any longer; and finally, and most importantly, Regift those gift cards!  Copyright © 2010 Alison James 

I asked my friend why couples these days say “We are pregnant” and she shed a little light on the situation for me.  She said that couples make a deliberate attempt to use this terminology so the guy doesn’t feel excluded from the pregnancy process.  And I guess that explanation sort of makes sense.  I can see how the “we” terminology might help the guy accept the pregnancy situation without going off the deep end.  For example, instead of thinking “My wife is getting fatter and has permanent PMS and it is all my fault,” he thinks “My wife and I are pregnant together!  This is so exciting and fun!”

But I remain baffled by the notion that a woman would voluntarily give away even an ounce of credit for enduring a complex, harrowing nine months of her life.  The way I see it, “we” might have conceived a baby, but until the man has raging hormones, a live being growing inside of him, and plans to pass a watermelon through a tiny crevice in his body, “we” are definitely not pregnant in any way, shape or form and “we” never will be.

Nevertheless, it is in vogue today to say “we are pregnant” so I don’t see this terminology going anywhere.  When someone says “we are pregnant” on television, only about half of the people in the room look confused and the other half accept the comment as a normal way to speak about the state of female pregnancy.

But I think the other half would jump on board too if the term “we” was applied in a more fair and consistent way.  For example, if couples are going to say “we” are pregnant, shouldn’t they also say “we” worked until midnight last night, “we” got promoted, and “we” got a huge year-end bonus?  If a man is going to take credit when a woman successfully carries and delivers a baby, shouldn’t a woman take credit when he successfully endures a hellish nine months at the office?  Just a little food for thought.

I know one thing, I just talked to my guy and learned that “we” won quite a bit of money playing poker last night.  I can definitely get used to this “we” thing.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

This blog post is a special treat for all the men out there.  A visual guide that you can follow the next time you see those sheets and pillows in disarray:
 

Unfortunately, other questions are a little more ambiguous, so sometimes people respond with the truth.  And the truth can be pretty darn creepy.  Whenever I hear someone ask “Why are you so tired today?  Did you have a late night?” or “Isn’t her baby just the cutest thing?” or “How is your husband doing?” I have to cringe because there is a decent chance the conversation is about to take a turn for the worse.  I’m just waiting for the person to answer “I’m tired because my boyfriend and I were up late, you know, doing stuff….” or “The baby is actually kind of hideous.  Poor kid looks just like the father, doesn’t it?”     

Recently, I overheard a woman in an elevator ask another woman a question that should be barred from public conversation:  “Why are your lips so chapped?”  Would you ever really want to know why someone’s lips are chapped?  Aren’t there a million reasons why someone’s lips could be chapped that fall into the “holy shit that’s weird” category? 

We ask each other questions all the time without even thinking about the potential social disaster that awaits us.  Most of the time, the other person gives us a mundane, typical answer without revealing much about their life.  But every once in a while, we get an answer that is weirder than we bargained for.  Copyright 2010 © Alison James.

The reason why so many of us fall for this type of man has been a mystery for years.  But if you think about it while listening to Christmas music, you might have the same epiphany I had.  Psychologists often say that we seek out men in adulthood who resemble those men we idolized as little girls, right?  I’m not sure how we could have missed this connection all these years….

Copyright © 2009 Alison James

As you contemplate what to write, there are lots of important questions you’ll need to answer like “Should I tell them I’m going to miss them all even though I’m definitely not going to miss that creepy guy Jerry who sits in the cubicle near the window?  Should I leave them my contact information knowing they might email me with work-related questions six months down the road?  If I don’t have a job lined up, should I make it sound like I do to save face?” 

If you are looking for inspiration, here is a goodbye email that is one of my personal favorites (edited to protect the anonymity of the sender):      

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and say what a fantastic ride the last 10 years have been for me.  It’s truly been something special, and I have many fond memories of this company that I’ll always take with me. 

I’ve also taken with me 7 computers, 3 fax machines, 12 toner cartridges, all of the phones on our floor (no one’s using them anymore, right?), a suitcase full of staplers, scissors, and scotch tape, a color Xerox machine (which was a bitch to get past security I’ll have you know) and a box of white-out from Michelle’s office (which explains why her computer screen is almost completely white…)  As a matter of fact, I’m in the process of opening up a little office supplies shop out of my home, so I hope you all wish me well in my new venture!

In all seriousness though, it doesn’t seem possible that I’m saying goodbye to everyone here.  Though I’m leaving behind a job, what I’m leaving with is something that will always stay with me.  The friendships that I’ve made over the last decade will never be forgotten, and I want to thank each and every one of you for touching my life the way you have. 

Please take care, and thank you for being the absolute best group of people a guy could ever have the privilege of working with.

All the best,

[xxxxx]

I know what you’re thinking, “I bought a Snuggie for his grandmother last year.  How could he possibly want one too?”  But you see, the male Snuggie is not the same as the one loved by elderly women everywhere.  It looks the same, and feels the same, but the masculine words “Lodge Wrap” on the package make it manly enough to appeal to even the most macho guy you know. 

Just look at how happy this guy looks using his Lodge Wrap. Don’t you want your guy to be this happy on Christmas morning?

(from the Terry’s Village catalog. terrysvillage.com)

So this year, forget about the iPhone accessories and DVDs, and instead, get him the gift that says “I am a woman who truly understands your needs.”  Buy him his very own Snuggie and make this a Christmas he’ll never forget.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James

We all know from experience that it’s certainly not fun when you have to unwrap 25 of those tiny little suckers to feel even remotely satisfied.  They are so small, that if you sip water with them, they slip down your throat like a vitamin. 

There is nothing fun about trying to shove all of those wrappers in your pocket at a party so people don’t notice you’ve been eating fun size candy bars all night. 

It is definitely not fun when someone eats all the good ones and you get stuck digging through a giant bowl of Charleston Chews trying to find the one Kit Kat they missed on the bottom. 

And there couldn’t be anything less “fun” than watching someone eat just one and walk away.  Meanwhile, the rest of us stand near the bowl like junkies saying “I’m just going to have one more Reese’s peanut butter cup…seriously, I really mean it this time.”

It’s tough to figure out what the candy marketers were thinking when they decided to call these menacing little treats “Fun Size.”  A fun size candy bar to me would be one too big to fit in the front seat of my car.    Copyright © 2009 Alison James