I’m not talking about a guy’s big old butt.  I’m talking about all the junk in his house or apartment — the old posters, DVDs, bizarre figurines, beer mugs, trinkets, Mardi Gras beads, wires, and plastic pieces from old gadgets that that he threw in a box in his closet.

In fairness to men, they don’t see these items as “junk.”  This clutter is their personal treasure, a special little slice of their bachelor past.  They believe there is intrinsic value in that can opener they picked up at Oktoberfest 2002 or the swimsuit model cheese plates they got for their 21st birthday.

And in their defense, some of these items might be worth something someday to someone, somewhere…maybe.  That old rusty electronic thing could be a valuable antique if you hold on to it for another 500 years, couldn’t it?

The problem is that we, as women, do not want to eat, sleep and live our life amidst a mountain of man junk.  We want to live with him, not with his statue of Chewbacca.

So, sometimes no matter how much we love the man, the man junk has to go.

But what’s a girl to do?  Out of respect and courtesy for the guy we love, we can’t just throw away his man junk when he’s not around.  We can’t erase his precious past with one trip to a nearby dumpster no matter how much we want to.  If we lose his junk in this rash and thoughtless way, we might lose him too.

So we have to take it slow, removing the junk a little at a time, deliberately, and with great care so we don’t destroy his ego right along with that ugly sugar bowl in his kitchen.

Here are your main options for getting rid of man junk:

#1: Donate it. The Salvation Army can be your Salvation ladies.  Every month, hold up a few of his items and say to him “I wonder if someone out there would get more use out of this old mug than we do?”  Many times, he’ll agree with you and then you can get these items out of your life without feeling guilty about doing it.  (Just be careful not to dump his dirty movies in the church donation bin or you’ll give a nun a heart attack.)

#2:  Create a “man cave” for his “man junk.” Find a special nook in the house where his furry chair covers can rest peacefully, alone, far away from you and anyone who might stop by to visit.  While a man cave might seem like a painful concession because you’re giving up valuable space in your house, over time you’ll find that it’s worth the sacrifice because you can just shove all his crap inside the room, shut the door and forget about it.  Then, he can go into his man cave, surround himself with furry furniture and roll around in old Farrah Fawcett posters until his heart’s content.

There is one more way to deal with man junk, but it is for extreme emergencies only.  When he owns an item that you despise and even fear, an item that keeps coming back from the dead like a zombie, showing up in the living room again and again no matter how many times you try to bury it, it’s time to use the old “woops, I broke it” routine.   You can rip that smutty pornographic poster right down the center “by accident” when you walk by it.  But remember, ruining his stuff is not cool so this tactic is for extreme emergencies only.

The key to excavating a bachelor pad successfully is to work slowly, carefully, and respectfully.  Don’t try to rid the space of its dingy demons all at once or he’ll definitely freak out.  When it comes to dealing with man junk, slow and steady wins the race to a cleaner, nicer, well-decorated living space.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

Nevertheless, there is one topic that does bring women from all cultures together, one bond that can make a room full of diverse women with absolutely nothing in common nod at one another in a rare moment of solidarity.  That topic is men – and our shared frustration with their bad habits and crazy ways.

Case in point: Last week, I was sitting in the dentist office waiting room and there was a girl sitting across from me.  She had freckles, a pony tail in her hair, and she was wearing jeans and t-shirt.  She could have been the poster child for “All American twenty-something.”

As we sat there, a woman walked in wearing a traditional headscarf and spoke to the receptionist in broken English.  Just as she sat down near us, the freckle faced girl’s phone rang.  She answered it and I could hear a guy yelling at her.  She argued with him and it became clear that she was dating the guy.  When she hung up the phone, the woman wearing the headscarf turned to her and in perfect English said “What a jerk. Dear, don’t waste your time on that man.”

All three of us laughed in a special moment of inter-cultural female bonding that the United Nations can only dream about.

So, today, I would like to thank men for their bad behavior for a change.  It is the crazy glue that bonds all women together regardless of where we live, what color our skin is or what clothes we wear.

Here’s what you do:  Regardless of what he’s wearing — a business suit, a t-shirt and jeans, athletic gear, or a service uniform of some kind — look at him and in the most sincere voice you can muster, say “Wow, I love your cute little outfit.”  Then, excuse yourself to use the ladies room and let the words seep into his brain.

Men do not think of the clothes they wear as an “outfit,” let alone a “cute little outfit.”  So when you zing these words his way, they will catch him off guard and strip away his masculinity before he even knows what hit him.

You can use this torment technique on a guy just to tease him, or you can use it to really annoy that egomaniac in your life. 

Just imagine these scenarios:

The jerk you work with comes into the office one day wearing a nice, expensive-looking, classy suit.  He clearly thinks he looks awesome.  What do you do?  You go in for the kill of course.  Catch him in the hallway when a bunch of other people are around and yell out “Wow, I loooove your cute little outfit.”  Then, promptly walk to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

Or

Your college boyfriend has been a schmuck lately.  Now, he’s looking for his baseball uniform before his big game.  His friends are waiting for him at the door.  What do you do?  You help him out of course.  Yell to him “I think I saw your cute little outfit upstairs hanging on the back of the door.”

But remember – it’s all in the delivery.  When you say “cute little outfit,” be sweet, sincere, and nonchalant, as if there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about those words.   Let the phrase roll off your tongue so it takes him a minute to realize that you just hit his manliness in a way that it’s never been hit before.   

Sigh…so many fun ways to torment men, so little time.  

Copyright © 2010  Alison James

Don’t let twisted rationalizations stop you from moving on to bigger and better men. 

Never continue to date a guy just because:

*  Your mother thinks he’s wonderful.  She also thought that puke green sweater was cute that she bought you for your birthday.  What matters is how you feel about him and how he treats you.

*  You are used to him.  You could also get used to a giant wart on your hand but you’d still be better off without it. 

*  He promised to get help for his anger issues and this time he really means it, damn it!

*  He hasn’t done drugs in an entire week and you think this is a sign that he’s finally overcoming his addiction.

*  You feel bad for him.  All men can be pitiful at times but if you feel pity every day when you look at him lying there, it’s time to call it quits.

*  You feel like someday he might hold down a decent job.  Don’t love him for the man you imagine he could be.  Break up with him for the half-a-man that he is.

*  There is a wedding, holiday or other family event coming up in a few months and you need a date.  There are plenty of potential dates out there.  Don’t waste a month of your life dating a loser just so you don’t have to face your crazy relatives alone. 

* He’s the first guy who ever called when he was supposed to.  If those phone calls are making him shine above the rest, it’s time to meet more men.

* All your friends are dating someone or married.   If this is the case, it’s also time to make new friends!

* Because you are afraid you won’t meet someone better.  There are a gazillion single men in the world, which means no matter who you are dating, there is someone better.  

If a guy doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s time to kick him to the curb along with all the excuses and rationalizations that have been keeping you in the relationship.  Remember: if you’re willing to settle for less than what you deserve, you will get it every time. 

Copyright 2010 © Alison James.

It probably seems like the answer should be an unequivocal “yes” when you recall some of the dates you went on last year that felt more like extraordinary acts of altruism than the beginning of romance. 

You might be thinking “I tried to teach that guy basic social skills out of the kindness of my heart!  Doesn’t that count for something?” or “I kept that scary dude off the market for six weeks while I dated him.  Isn’t that sort of like law enforcement?” 

It seems like women often have to step in and help out where a man’s parents have failed him, the educational system has failed him, or worse yet, psychiatry has failed him.  But unfortunately, despite all of these acts of giving that we do each year, most men do not qualify for the 501(c)(3) status that would make them a tax-exempt charity.  So, the time we spend dealing with them is not deductible. 

Someday, when more women work for the IRS, I fully expect this rule to change.

It was all going fine for a while. Nothing was on fire, the kitchen was still intact, and no alarms were going off. But at some point, the testosterone-filled part of his brain took over and he started adventure-seeking – in the kitchen. I could see the gears turning in his little head, searching frantically for a way to spice up the cookie baking experience.

It all went downhill from there.

I would hear him mumble under his breath “I wonder what would happen if [insert insane suggestion].” And finally he had a bright idea that he put into action. “I wonder what would happen if I baked the green gel right into the cookies instead of putting it on top of them after they cool.”

So, here you have it – a Saint Patrick’s Day sugar cookie…sort of.  He is calling it a “lucky cookie” but it looks like its luck ran out a long time ago.

I asked my friend why couples these days say “We are pregnant” and she shed a little light on the situation for me.  She said that couples make a deliberate attempt to use this terminology so the guy doesn’t feel excluded from the pregnancy process.  And I guess that explanation sort of makes sense.  I can see how the “we” terminology might help the guy accept the pregnancy situation without going off the deep end.  For example, instead of thinking “My wife is getting fatter and has permanent PMS and it is all my fault,” he thinks “My wife and I are pregnant together!  This is so exciting and fun!”

But I remain baffled by the notion that a woman would voluntarily give away even an ounce of credit for enduring a complex, harrowing nine months of her life.  The way I see it, “we” might have conceived a baby, but until the man has raging hormones, a live being growing inside of him, and plans to pass a watermelon through a tiny crevice in his body, “we” are definitely not pregnant in any way, shape or form and “we” never will be.

Nevertheless, it is in vogue today to say “we are pregnant” so I don’t see this terminology going anywhere.  When someone says “we are pregnant” on television, only about half of the people in the room look confused and the other half accept the comment as a normal way to speak about the state of female pregnancy.

But I think the other half would jump on board too if the term “we” was applied in a more fair and consistent way.  For example, if couples are going to say “we” are pregnant, shouldn’t they also say “we” worked until midnight last night, “we” got promoted, and “we” got a huge year-end bonus?  If a man is going to take credit when a woman successfully carries and delivers a baby, shouldn’t a woman take credit when he successfully endures a hellish nine months at the office?  Just a little food for thought.

I know one thing, I just talked to my guy and learned that “we” won quite a bit of money playing poker last night.  I can definitely get used to this “we” thing.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

The reason why so many of us fall for this type of man has been a mystery for years.  But if you think about it while listening to Christmas music, you might have the same epiphany I had.  Psychologists often say that we seek out men in adulthood who resemble those men we idolized as little girls, right?  I’m not sure how we could have missed this connection all these years….

Copyright © 2009 Alison James

I know what you’re thinking, “I bought a Snuggie for his grandmother last year.  How could he possibly want one too?”  But you see, the male Snuggie is not the same as the one loved by elderly women everywhere.  It looks the same, and feels the same, but the masculine words “Lodge Wrap” on the package make it manly enough to appeal to even the most macho guy you know. 

Just look at how happy this guy looks using his Lodge Wrap. Don’t you want your guy to be this happy on Christmas morning?

(from the Terry’s Village catalog. terrysvillage.com)

So this year, forget about the iPhone accessories and DVDs, and instead, get him the gift that says “I am a woman who truly understands your needs.”  Buy him his very own Snuggie and make this a Christmas he’ll never forget.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James