I’m not talking about a guy’s big old butt.  I’m talking about all the junk in his house or apartment — the old posters, DVDs, bizarre figurines, beer mugs, trinkets, Mardi Gras beads, wires, and plastic pieces from old gadgets that that he threw in a box in his closet.

In fairness to men, they don’t see these items as “junk.”  This clutter is their personal treasure, a special little slice of their bachelor past.  They believe there is intrinsic value in that can opener they picked up at Oktoberfest 2002 or the swimsuit model cheese plates they got for their 21st birthday.

And in their defense, some of these items might be worth something someday to someone, somewhere…maybe.  That old rusty electronic thing could be a valuable antique if you hold on to it for another 500 years, couldn’t it?

The problem is that we, as women, do not want to eat, sleep and live our life amidst a mountain of man junk.  We want to live with him, not with his statue of Chewbacca.

So, sometimes no matter how much we love the man, the man junk has to go.

But what’s a girl to do?  Out of respect and courtesy for the guy we love, we can’t just throw away his man junk when he’s not around.  We can’t erase his precious past with one trip to a nearby dumpster no matter how much we want to.  If we lose his junk in this rash and thoughtless way, we might lose him too.

So we have to take it slow, removing the junk a little at a time, deliberately, and with great care so we don’t destroy his ego right along with that ugly sugar bowl in his kitchen.

Here are your main options for getting rid of man junk:

#1: Donate it. The Salvation Army can be your Salvation ladies.  Every month, hold up a few of his items and say to him “I wonder if someone out there would get more use out of this old mug than we do?”  Many times, he’ll agree with you and then you can get these items out of your life without feeling guilty about doing it.  (Just be careful not to dump his dirty movies in the church donation bin or you’ll give a nun a heart attack.)

#2:  Create a “man cave” for his “man junk.” Find a special nook in the house where his furry chair covers can rest peacefully, alone, far away from you and anyone who might stop by to visit.  While a man cave might seem like a painful concession because you’re giving up valuable space in your house, over time you’ll find that it’s worth the sacrifice because you can just shove all his crap inside the room, shut the door and forget about it.  Then, he can go into his man cave, surround himself with furry furniture and roll around in old Farrah Fawcett posters until his heart’s content.

There is one more way to deal with man junk, but it is for extreme emergencies only.  When he owns an item that you despise and even fear, an item that keeps coming back from the dead like a zombie, showing up in the living room again and again no matter how many times you try to bury it, it’s time to use the old “woops, I broke it” routine.   You can rip that smutty pornographic poster right down the center “by accident” when you walk by it.  But remember, ruining his stuff is not cool so this tactic is for extreme emergencies only.

The key to excavating a bachelor pad successfully is to work slowly, carefully, and respectfully.  Don’t try to rid the space of its dingy demons all at once or he’ll definitely freak out.  When it comes to dealing with man junk, slow and steady wins the race to a cleaner, nicer, well-decorated living space.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

She taught me so much but she didn’t teach by preaching at me.  She taught me important life lessons by leaving really long messages on my answering machine.  

And she also taught me by example.  She tried to live her life the way she wanted me to live my own. 

She showed me that a mother’s love is unconditional and encouraged me to reach for my goals.  She taught me that you should never put a pillow over a man’s head when he snores or you might hurt him; that balancing goopy, saucy casserole dishes on top of the fridge is just a bad idea; and, she taught me that when you paint the bathroom, you should never paint all the pipes, the vanity, and the inside of the tub or your husband will get really mad.

And perhaps most importantly, she taught me that it’s never wrong to have your own sense of style….. well, almost never…..

My Mom in the 1970s

My Mom Today

Thanks Mom!

For example, is there an alien somewhere out there who has to get up for work on a rainy Monday morning? 
 
Will she sit in spaceship traffic for an hour, or ride a miserable alien shuttle bus to a city full of annoying aliens?

Will she get stuck sitting next to another alien who won’t stop talking?

Does that alien sit in a windowless cubicle and spend her days wishing she was somewhere else?

Does she count down the minutes to the weekend?
 
Do alien men snore?
 
Do alien men get yellow armpit stains on their undershirts?
 
Do alien women get really frustrated with alien men because they can’t seem to communicate?  (Maybe all aliens are men and that’s why they haven’t communicated with us yet…)
   
One day in the distant future, we might land our own spacecraft on another planet and discover a new world teeming with life.  But when we step outside, there might not be any fanfare, no band playing or fireworks welcoming us.
 
Instead, we might be accosted by an alien meter maid who raises her antenna and says “Excuuuuse me.  You can’t park that piece of junk here!”

And then we’ll finally know the answer to our question: our world might be really annoying but everyone else’s is too.
  

  

Has she replaced whatever notion of U.S. history she learned in school with information she pieced together from emails forwarded to her by people you only know as snookie3522@aol and grammylove2000@hotmail?

If so, you are probably distraught by your mom’s bizarre information sources, but don’t worry.  You can stop her from being indoctrinated further by spam in one easy step:  Just tell her that every time she opens an email forward, a random stranger at an offshore bank can access her credit card information and take a picture of her.  Make sure she knows that this invasion of her privacy can happen even if the email comes from her very best friend. 

Before you know it, she won’t be spamming anyone anymore, including you.

At first, I was freaked out when I opened one up and saw products like hair nets and denture cream.  I figured someone is playing a joke on me or the universe is trying to remind me that I’m getting older.

But after flipping through a few pages, I was hooked.  These catalogs are priceless gems that provide comic relief like nothing I have ever read before. 

Here are a few of the items featured in one of the catalogs that arrived last week.  After seeing these babies, I am looking forward to eating that extra piece of pie this weekend!   

Here’s what you do:  Regardless of what he’s wearing — a business suit, a t-shirt and jeans, athletic gear, or a service uniform of some kind — look at him and in the most sincere voice you can muster, say “Wow, I love your cute little outfit.”  Then, excuse yourself to use the ladies room and let the words seep into his brain.

Men do not think of the clothes they wear as an “outfit,” let alone a “cute little outfit.”  So when you zing these words his way, they will catch him off guard and strip away his masculinity before he even knows what hit him.

You can use this torment technique on a guy just to tease him, or you can use it to really annoy that egomaniac in your life. 

Just imagine these scenarios:

The jerk you work with comes into the office one day wearing a nice, expensive-looking, classy suit.  He clearly thinks he looks awesome.  What do you do?  You go in for the kill of course.  Catch him in the hallway when a bunch of other people are around and yell out “Wow, I loooove your cute little outfit.”  Then, promptly walk to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

Or

Your college boyfriend has been a schmuck lately.  Now, he’s looking for his baseball uniform before his big game.  His friends are waiting for him at the door.  What do you do?  You help him out of course.  Yell to him “I think I saw your cute little outfit upstairs hanging on the back of the door.”

But remember – it’s all in the delivery.  When you say “cute little outfit,” be sweet, sincere, and nonchalant, as if there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about those words.   Let the phrase roll off your tongue so it takes him a minute to realize that you just hit his manliness in a way that it’s never been hit before.   

Sigh…so many fun ways to torment men, so little time.  

Copyright © 2010  Alison James

Don’t let twisted rationalizations stop you from moving on to bigger and better men. 

Never continue to date a guy just because:

*  Your mother thinks he’s wonderful.  She also thought that puke green sweater was cute that she bought you for your birthday.  What matters is how you feel about him and how he treats you.

*  You are used to him.  You could also get used to a giant wart on your hand but you’d still be better off without it. 

*  He promised to get help for his anger issues and this time he really means it, damn it!

*  He hasn’t done drugs in an entire week and you think this is a sign that he’s finally overcoming his addiction.

*  You feel bad for him.  All men can be pitiful at times but if you feel pity every day when you look at him lying there, it’s time to call it quits.

*  You feel like someday he might hold down a decent job.  Don’t love him for the man you imagine he could be.  Break up with him for the half-a-man that he is.

*  There is a wedding, holiday or other family event coming up in a few months and you need a date.  There are plenty of potential dates out there.  Don’t waste a month of your life dating a loser just so you don’t have to face your crazy relatives alone. 

* He’s the first guy who ever called when he was supposed to.  If those phone calls are making him shine above the rest, it’s time to meet more men.

* All your friends are dating someone or married.   If this is the case, it’s also time to make new friends!

* Because you are afraid you won’t meet someone better.  There are a gazillion single men in the world, which means no matter who you are dating, there is someone better.  

If a guy doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s time to kick him to the curb along with all the excuses and rationalizations that have been keeping you in the relationship.  Remember: if you’re willing to settle for less than what you deserve, you will get it every time. 

Copyright 2010 © Alison James.

Friends of mine who have done some hiring at different companies shared with me horror stories about the resumes they’ve received and the scary candidates that they’ve met.

Based on these stories, I would like to offer a few job search tips.  Please pass these tips along to your flakiest friends, email them to your clueless neighbor, and share them with that unemployed guy your roommate is dating who has been living in your apartment for six months. 

Get the word out to everyone. If you want to get a job, there are some things you simply should not do, for example:

*  Spell the name of the company wrong that you are applying to work for — or spell anything wrong for that matter.  For god’s sake, have someone check your resume over before you send it out the door!

*  Explain gaps in your employment history with bizarre details about your personal life like “Had female issues” or “Broke up with my boss and therefore had to quit.”

*  Stroll into an interview fifteen minutes late and tell the prospective employer that you got sidetracked because there was “a big sale going on at the store across the street.”

*  Show up to an interview wearing giant sunglasses and never take them off the entire time.

*  Stink like you’ve never stunk before. Before meeting your prospective boss, work up some good B.O.

*  Talk about really depressing things so that by the time you leave, the person interviewing you wants to jump off a cliff. 

*  Tell the prospective employer that your “biggest flaw” is that you really hate working.

*  Bring a sandwich wrapped in tinfoil to the interview and start eating it halfway through.

*  Take a cell phone call during the interview and finish making your Friday night plans with your friend while the interviewer waits patiently.

*  Tell the prospective employer that the reason you want to work for their company is because you are totally desperate and right about now even a crappy job will do.

If you are doing any of these things, it’s time to reevaluate your job search approach. Fix up your resume, practice interviewing, and make a firm commitment to personal hygiene. These three small changes will dramatically increase your chances of getting a job and help you avoid earning the title of “Job Candidate from Hell.”   

Copyright © 2010 Alison James

It probably seems like the answer should be an unequivocal “yes” when you recall some of the dates you went on last year that felt more like extraordinary acts of altruism than the beginning of romance. 

You might be thinking “I tried to teach that guy basic social skills out of the kindness of my heart!  Doesn’t that count for something?” or “I kept that scary dude off the market for six weeks while I dated him.  Isn’t that sort of like law enforcement?” 

It seems like women often have to step in and help out where a man’s parents have failed him, the educational system has failed him, or worse yet, psychiatry has failed him.  But unfortunately, despite all of these acts of giving that we do each year, most men do not qualify for the 501(c)(3) status that would make them a tax-exempt charity.  So, the time we spend dealing with them is not deductible. 

Someday, when more women work for the IRS, I fully expect this rule to change.