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One Type of Man You Need to Dump Immediately

September 8, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Relationships

Conflict between man and womanDo you feel uneasy in your relationship, like the guy you’re dating has you on edge all the time but you can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong?  Does he get mad at you for stupid things?  Is he moody?  Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him because you don’t want him to snap at you? 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, he sounds like a total jackass.  But more importantly, you could be in a verbally abusive relationship and you might not even know it yet.   

Many women hear the words “verbal abuse” and they immediately think “No woman in her right mind would put up with that kind of crap.”  But many smart, confident, successful women do find themselves in verbally abusive relationships because this type of abuse isn’t always easy to detect at first.  These men don’t yell and scream and hurl insults on the first date.  In fact, these men can be very charming and charismatic. 

Their abuse starts out in very subtle ways.  Then, they step it up over time becoming increasingly manipulative and controlling.  A woman in this situation grows accustomed to the abuse, adapting to it in a way that makes it difficult for her to see it for what it is.

Here are just a few behaviors that you might not recognize as abuse right off the bat:

*  He refuses to talk to you or listen to your feelings or concerns.  He basically ignores you when you want to talk to him about something that is important to you.  It’s not like he ignores you once in a while when he’s watching a game on TV.  He does it all the time.   

* He contradicts most of the things you say.  He never agrees with you or affirms your viewpoint.

* When you get upset, he tells you that you’re too sensitive or that you overreact to everything. 

* He judges you and criticizes you all the time but then says “I am only trying to help you.” 

* He insults you but insists that he is “Just joking.”

* When you point out to him the fact that he is doing these things to you and that it is hurtful, he refuses to admit that he’s done something wrong.      

The very subtle nature of verbal abuse is what makes it so incredibly dangerous.  It can go on in a relationship for weeks, months, or even years before a woman fully understands what is happening to her. 

And abusive men do have “good days” when they are kind and caring and funny.  These men aren’t always crazy and controlling.  These “good times” make it harder for a woman to recognize a guy’s behavior as abusive. 

In fact, many women blame themselves when a guy acts in an abusive way.  They think “Maybe I did something to set him off.  Maybe I am overreacting.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.  Everyone else thinks he’s a nice guy so I must be crazy.” 

But you aren’t crazy!  If you are dating or married to a verbally abusive guy, he is slowly sucking the life out of you and you need to get out of the relationship.

If you think you might be in a verbally abusive relationship, I highly recommend you read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  It provides an in depth look at verbal abuse, what it is, how it makes you feel, and how to respond once you realize that you are in a verbally abusive relationship.

Study Reveals that Women Find Different Men Attractive Depending on Where They Are in Their Menstrual Cycle

You might be familiar with the study that revealed that women who are ovulating prefer men with masculine, rugged features.  Whereas, women who are at other points in their cycle do not show the same preference.  Here is a link to an article about this study in case you haven’t seen it:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18077810/wid/11915773?GT1=9303

Hit meI really wish I could take credit for the alternative take on this study that I came across this week: 

A study revealed the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. 

If she’s ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features.

If she’s menstruating or menopausal, she’s more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth & a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Whatcha Gonna Do with All that “Man Junk” in His Trunk?

junk1There comes a time in every woman’s life when she moves in with the man she loves and finds herself surrounded by a mountain of “man junk.”

I’m not talking about a guy’s big old butt.  I’m talking about all the junk in his house or apartment — the old posters, DVDs, bizarre figurines, beer mugs, trinkets, Mardi Gras beads, wires, and plastic pieces from old gadgets that that he threw in a box in his closet.

In fairness to men, they don’t see these items as “junk.”  This clutter is their personal treasure, a special little slice of their bachelor past.  They believe there is intrinsic value in that can opener they picked up at Oktoberfest 2002 or the swimsuit model cheese plates they got for their 21st birthday.

And in their defense, some of these items might be worth something someday to someone, somewhere…maybe.  That old rusty electronic thing could be a valuable antique if you hold on to it for another 500 years, couldn’t it?

The problem is that we, as women, do not want to eat, sleep and live our life amidst a mountain of man junk.  We want to live with him, not with his statue of Chewbacca.

So, sometimes no matter how much we love the man, the man junk has to go.

But what’s a girl to do?  Out of respect and courtesy for the guy we love, we can’t just throw away his man junk when he’s not around.  We can’t erase his precious past with one trip to a nearby dumpster no matter how much we want to.  If we lose his junk in this rash and thoughtless way, we might lose him too.

So we have to take it slow, removing the junk a little at a time, deliberately, and with great care so we don’t destroy his ego right along with that ugly sugar bowl in his kitchen.

Here are your main options for getting rid of man junk:

#1: Donate it. The Salvation Army can be your Salvation ladies.  Every month, hold up a few of his items and say to him “I wonder if someone out there would get more use out of this old mug than we do?”  Many times, he’ll agree with you and then you can get these items out of your life without feeling guilty about doing it.  (Just be careful not to dump his dirty movies in the church donation bin or you’ll give a nun a heart attack.)

#2:  Create a “man cave” for his “man junk.” Find a special nook in the house where his furry chair covers can rest peacefully, alone, far away from you and anyone who might stop by to visit.  While a man cave might seem like a painful concession because you’re giving up valuable space in your house, over time you’ll find that it’s worth the sacrifice because you can just shove all his crap inside the room, shut the door and forget about it.  Then, he can go into his man cave, surround himself with furry furniture and roll around in old Farrah Fawcett posters until his heart’s content.

There is one more way to deal with man junk, but it is for extreme emergencies only.  When he owns an item that you despise and even fear, an item that keeps coming back from the dead like a zombie, showing up in the living room again and again no matter how many times you try to bury it, it’s time to use the old “woops, I broke it” routine.   You can rip that smutty pornographic poster right down the center “by accident” when you walk by it.  But remember, ruining his stuff is not cool so this tactic is for extreme emergencies only.

The key to excavating a bachelor pad successfully is to work slowly, carefully, and respectfully.  Don’t try to rid the space of its dingy demons all at once or he’ll definitely freak out.  When it comes to dealing with man junk, slow and steady wins the race to a cleaner, nicer, well-decorated living space.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

junk4

junk3

Does Your Mother Get All of Her News and Information from Email Forwards?

mom-computerDoes your mother get all of her information from email forwards?  Does she stay up at night worrying about missing children who aren’t actually missing, or cologne that can be used by criminals to knock people out in parking lots just because she read about these things in emails from her friends? 

Has she replaced whatever notion of U.S. history she learned in school with information she pieced together from emails forwarded to her by people you only know as snookie3522@aol and grammylove2000@hotmail?

If so, you are probably distraught by your mom’s bizarre information sources, but don’t worry.  You can stop her from being indoctrinated further by spam in one easy step:  Just tell her that every time she opens an email forward, a random stranger at an offshore bank can access her credit card information and take a picture of her.  Make sure she knows that this invasion of her privacy can happen even if the email comes from her very best friend. 

Before you know it, she won’t be spamming anyone anymore, including you.

Go Ahead, Eat That Extra Piece of Pie!

May 27, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts

I have no idea how I ended up on the mailing list for these bizarre catalogs like “Home Trends” “Collections Etc.“ and “Lillian Vernon.“  But every month the postman kindly drops several of them in our mailbox and they are addressed to me. 

At first, I was freaked out when I opened one up and saw products like hair nets and denture cream.  I figured someone is playing a joke on me or the universe is trying to remind me that I’m getting older.

But after flipping through a few pages, I was hooked.  These catalogs are priceless gems that provide comic relief like nothing I have ever read before. 

Here are a few of the items featured in one of the catalogs that arrived last week.  After seeing these babies, I am looking forward to eating that extra piece of pie this weekend!   

pantsextender

inchmaster

tightjeans

So Many Fun Ways to Torment Men, So Little Time

If you are looking for a fun way to torment the man in your life, here is one that works every time. Your boyfriend, your husband, your coworker and even your roommate will react to this subtle form of playful emasculation. 

Here’s what you do:  Regardless of what he’s wearing — a business suit, a t-shirt and jeans, athletic gear, or a service uniform of some kind — look at him and in the most sincere voice you can muster, say “Wow, I love your cute little outfit.”  Then, excuse yourself to use the ladies room and let the words seep into his brain.

Men do not think of the clothes they wear as an “outfit,” let alone a “cute little outfit.”  So when you zing these words his way, they will catch him off guard and strip away his masculinity before he even knows what hit him.

You can use this torment technique on a guy just to tease him, or you can use it to really annoy that egomaniac in your life. 

Just imagine these scenarios:

The jerk you work with comes into the office one day wearing a nice, expensive-looking, classy suit.  He clearly thinks he looks awesome.  What do you do?  You go in for the kill of course.  Catch him in the hallway when a bunch of other people are around and yell out “Wow, I loooove your cute little outfit.”  Then, promptly walk to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

Or

Your college boyfriend has been a schmuck lately.  Now, he’s looking for his baseball uniform before his big game.  His friends are waiting for him at the door.  What do you do?  You help him out of course.  Yell to him “I think I saw your cute little outfit upstairs hanging on the back of the door.”

But remember – it’s all in the delivery.  When you say “cute little outfit,” be sweet, sincere, and nonchalant, as if there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about those words.   Let the phrase roll off your tongue so it takes him a minute to realize that you just hit his manliness in a way that it’s never been hit before.   

Sigh…so many fun ways to torment men, so little time.  

 

 

Copyright © 2010  Alison James

Now You Want to Be My Friend on Facebook?

May 10, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Relationships

Whether you’re going through a breakup now, or it’s been a couple of years since your last hellish relationship debacle, here is a song you will surely relate to.  It’s a personal favorite of mine!   I really don’t need to say much more about it.  Kate Miller-Heidke says it perfectly….  

 

  

 

Stop Making Excuses for the Loser in Your Life

April 24, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Relationships

Not all men are created equal; some are total jackasses.  Yet, even when we are dating the biggest jerk on the planet, we come up with a hundred reasons why we shouldn’t dump him.  We think “What if I don’t meet someone better?” or “Maybe it’s my fault that he acts like a total psycho sometimes.” 

Don’t let twisted rationalizations stop you from moving on to bigger and better men. 

Never continue to date a guy just because:

*  Your mother thinks he’s wonderful.  She also thought that puke green sweater was cute that she bought you for your birthday.  What matters is how you feel about him and how he treats you.

*  You are used to him.  You could also get used to a giant wart on your hand but you’d still be better off without it. 

*  He promised to get help for his anger issues and this time he really means it, damn it!

*  He hasn’t done drugs in an entire week and you think this is a sign that he’s finally overcoming his addiction.

*  You feel bad for him.  All men can be pitiful at times but if you feel pity every day when you look at him lying there, it’s time to call it quits.

*  You feel like someday he might hold down a decent job.  Don’t love him for the man you imagine he could be.  Break up with him for the half-a-man that he is.

*  There is a wedding, holiday or other family event coming up in a few months and you need a date.  There are plenty of potential dates out there.  Don’t waste a month of your life dating a loser just so you don’t have to face your crazy relatives alone. 

* He’s the first guy who ever called when he was supposed to.  If those phone calls are making him shine above the rest, it’s time to meet more men.

* All your friends are dating someone or married.   If this is the case, it’s also time to make new friends!

* Because you are afraid you won’t meet someone better.  There are a gazillion single men in the world, which means no matter who you are dating, there is someone better.  

If a guy doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve, it’s time to kick him to the curb along with all the excuses and rationalizations that have been keeping you in the relationship.  Remember: if you’re willing to settle for less than what you deserve, you will get it every time. 

Copyright 2010 © Alison James.

How to Avoid Being the Job Candidate from Hell

April 16, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Career, Featured Posts

Many people are out of work because they live in an area where there aren’t enough jobs to go around.  But some people are out of work for another reason – they scare the crap out of prospective employers. 

Friends of mine who have done some hiring at different companies shared with me horror stories about the resumes they’ve received and the scary candidates that they’ve met.

Based on these stories, I would like to offer a few job search tips.  Please pass these tips along to your flakiest friends, email them to your clueless neighbor, and share them with that unemployed guy your roommate is dating who has been living in your apartment for six months. 

Get the word out to everyone. If you want to get a job, there are some things you simply should not do, for example:

*  Spell the name of the company wrong that you are applying to work for — or spell anything wrong for that matter.  For god’s sake, have someone check your resume over before you send it out the door!

*  Explain gaps in your employment history with bizarre details about your personal life like “Had female issues” or “Broke up with my boss and therefore had to quit.”

*  Stroll into an interview fifteen minutes late and tell the prospective employer that you got sidetracked because there was “a big sale going on at the store across the street.”

*  Show up to an interview wearing giant sunglasses and never take them off the entire time.

*  Stink like you’ve never stunk before. Before meeting your prospective boss, work up some good B.O.

*  Talk about really depressing things so that by the time you leave, the person interviewing you wants to jump off a cliff. 

*  Tell the prospective employer that your “biggest flaw” is that you really hate working.

*  Bring a sandwich wrapped in tinfoil to the interview and start eating it halfway through.

*  Take a cell phone call during the interview and finish making your Friday night plans with your friend while the interviewer waits patiently.

*  Tell the prospective employer that the reason you want to work for their company is because you are totally desperate and right about now even a crappy job will do.

If you are doing any of these things, it’s time to reevaluate your job search approach. Fix up your resume, practice interviewing, and make a firm commitment to personal hygiene. These three small changes will dramatically increase your chances of getting a job and help you avoid earning the title of “Job Candidate from Hell.”   

Copyright © 2010 Alison James

Tax Q&A: Can a Bad Date Ever Be Deducted as a Charitable Donation on Your Tax Return?

April 15th is right around the corner so I want to take the time to answer a question that a lot of women have, one that the IRS website simply doesn’t address:  Can a bad date ever be deducted as a charitable donation on your tax return?

It probably seems like the answer should be an unequivocal “yes” when you recall some of the dates you went on last year that felt more like extraordinary acts of altruism than the beginning of romance. 

You might be thinking “I tried to teach that guy basic social skills out of the kindness of my heart!  Doesn’t that count for something?” or “I kept that scary dude off the market for six weeks while I dated him.  Isn’t that sort of like law enforcement?” 

It seems like women often have to step in and help out where a man’s parents have failed him, the educational system has failed him, or worse yet, psychiatry has failed him.  But unfortunately, despite all of these acts of giving that we do each year, most men do not qualify for the 501(c)(3) status that would make them a tax-exempt charity.  So, the time we spend dealing with them is not deductible. 

Someday, when more women work for the IRS, I fully expect this rule to change.

Men Visit “Peep World” in Honor of Easter Holiday

April 2, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Holidays

I’m excited to report that a few days ago I came across an establishment in New York City dedicated exclusively to our yellow marshmallow friends, Peeps!

Much to my surprise, dozens of men were hanging around outside this hole-in-the-wall shop waiting to show their dedication to these little chicks.

It’s always nice to see men getting into the spirit of Easter.  Happy Easter everyone! 

 

Is Obama’s Package Way Too Big?

March 25, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Health

Ladies, we all know that size matters.  When a package is too small, we shudder when we see it knowing that it won’t have much force, it can’t get much done and ultimately it won’t satisfy us.

But isn’t the same true when a man’s package is too big?  Whether you like a guy or not, and whether you agree with him and think he’s cool or not, when he presents you with a giant package, I mean an extraordinarily large, enormous package, isn’t that just as scary as a tiny one?

If a man’s package is too big, we have to be afraid of what it can do.  We have to worry that it is going to hurt us even if that’s not what he intended.  When a package is gigantic, it often has too much force and unintended consequences.

When I saw that the Health Care Bill Congress just passed was thousands of pages long, I immediately thought “It’s so long, thick and complex that we won’t truly know what it means for us or how it will affect our country for years to come, and no one in Congress probably really knows either.”  And that notion scares me a bit.  When a package is that big, it just seems like a guy should take it slow.  You know, ease into it.

Even though I do agree with parts of this plan, I am having trouble getting over the fact that it is seriously one big ass package.   Copyright © 2010 Alison James

When Men Bake Saint Patrick’s Day Cookies

March 16, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Holidays, Relationships

It’s not every day that a guy bakes Saint Patrick’s Day cookies, but believe it or not, last night it happened. He got out the cookie sheets, a roll of Slice ‘N Bake sugar cookie dough, and went at it.

It was all going fine for a while. Nothing was on fire, the kitchen was still intact, and no alarms were going off. But at some point, the testosterone-filled part of his brain took over and he started adventure-seeking – in the kitchen. I could see the gears turning in his little head, searching frantically for a way to spice up the cookie baking experience.

It all went downhill from there.

I would hear him mumble under his breath “I wonder what would happen if [insert insane suggestion].” And finally he had a bright idea that he put into action. “I wonder what would happen if I baked the green gel right into the cookies instead of putting it on top of them after they cool.”

So, here you have it – a Saint Patrick’s Day sugar cookie…sort of.  He is calling it a “lucky cookie” but it looks like its luck ran out a long time ago.

Some of the Greatest Lessons I’ve Learned in Life Have Come from Office PowerPoint Presentations

March 6, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Career, Featured Posts

If you don’t work in an office setting and you’ve never received a 30-page PowerPoint presentation outlining someone’s latest and greatest new business idea, you might not appreciate this post. 

Everyone else will understand what I mean when I say some of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life…or should I say “insights I’ve gained”…have come from PowerPoint presentations that my coworkers have given. 

PowerPoint presentations teach us that:

  • Even the most dumbass idea looks intelligent if you present it with colorful charts and graphs.  
  •  

  • It is actually possible to say the exact same thing three hundred and fifty different ways.
  •  

  • If you don’t have anything worthwhile to say, you can cover it up by telling meaningless stories.  It will take people a while to figure out that you aren’t really making any point.
  •  

  • Use big words if you want to hide the fact that you’re dumb as shit.  Throw into the discussion phrases like “synergy savings” “best practices” and “core competencies.”
  •  

  • Men are like children — If you want them to pay attention, you have to present information with music and colorful animation. 
  •  

  • Encourage people to express their opinions.  Once they get going, you can tune out and think about your plans for the weekend.
  •  

  • Almost every really good idea can be summed up in two sentences.  If it takes longer than that to explain, someone is trying to pull one over on you.

 

Are the Gift Cards in Your Wallet Controlling Your Life?

February 15, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts

We all receive gift cards on occasion – those plastic little nuggets of kindness that people sometimes give to each other as a gift in lieu of a tangible item.  While we always appreciate the gesture, all too often we file these gift cards away in the back of our wallet and promptly forget about them. And it is there that the trouble begins. These cards lie dormant for weeks, months, or even years, exerting subtle influence over our life and torturing us in ways we don’t even realize.

Are your gift cards controlling your life? Do they have you trapped inside a plastic prison? Here are the signs to look for:

• Every time you open your wallet and see the gift cards tucked inside, you experience an intense flood of negative emotions – anxiety and guilt because you haven’t used them yet, fear that someone is going to steal your wallet and take the gift cards and you’ll have no way to prove they were there, and anger toward the gift giver for placing this burden on you in the first place.

• You rack your brain trying to come up with things you can purchase with the gift card that might be vaguely useful. You find yourself thinking “Hmm… a battery operated travel-sized shampoo dispenser isn’t such a bad idea after all! Or maybe I can use one of those magic balls that absorb dust from the room!”

• You plan your weekend shopping trips around getting to those stores where you can use the gift cards.

• You make a purchase at the store, but forget to use the gift card, and then beat yourself up relentlessly because you didn’t use it.

• You live in chronic fear that the gift card is too close to your ATM card in your wallet and is somehow going to suck the life force out of it or gnaw away at its magnetic strip.

• You find yourself pulling out the gift card by accident at the most inopportune times. You accidentally flash your Victoria’s Secret gift card at the creepy security guard in the lobby instead of your identification, and then freak out because you know he is now picturing you wearing lingerie.

• Your sense of value is becoming distorted. You are holding on to a gift card that’s more than two years old solely because it has a remaining balance of $1.75 on it. Yet, you lost that much change on the street last week when you dropped your wallet and it didn’t even faze you.

• When you watch the news and hear stories about companies going out of business, you feel fear in your heart that your gift cards won’t be honored in federal bankruptcy proceedings.

• You measure your net worth in 401(k), savings accounts and gift card remaining balances.

Do any of these conditions sound familiar? If so, your gift cards are controlling your life. But don’t worry — you can fight back and reclaim your freedom using the three R’s of recovery:  Recognize the symptoms; Remember that you are a strong person and you don’t have to put up with this crap any longer; and finally, and most importantly, Regift those gift cards!  Copyright © 2010 Alison James 

Do Couples Who Announce “We Are Pregnant” Know Something I Don’t Know?

I recently heard a woman announce to the world “We are pregnant!” and I was a little confused.  I distinctly remember learning about reproduction in high school biology class and the idea of a man being pregnant never came up even once.  I’m pretty sure that unless something has changed, the state of two people being pregnant together in some weird fusion of reproductive organs is technically not possible.

I asked my friend why couples these days say “We are pregnant” and she shed a little light on the situation for me.  She said that couples make a deliberate attempt to use this terminology so the guy doesn’t feel excluded from the pregnancy process.  And I guess that explanation sort of makes sense.  I can see how the “we” terminology might help the guy accept the pregnancy situation without going off the deep end.  For example, instead of thinking “My wife is getting fatter and has permanent PMS and it is all my fault,” he thinks “My wife and I are pregnant together!  This is so exciting and fun!”

But I remain baffled by the notion that a woman would voluntarily give away even an ounce of credit for enduring a complex, harrowing nine months of her life.  The way I see it, “we” might have conceived a baby, but until the man has raging hormones, a live being growing inside of him, and plans to pass a watermelon through a tiny crevice in his body, “we” are definitely not pregnant in any way, shape or form and “we” never will be.

Nevertheless, it is in vogue today to say “we are pregnant” so I don’t see this terminology going anywhere.  When someone says “we are pregnant” on television, only about half of the people in the room look confused and the other half accept the comment as a normal way to speak about the state of female pregnancy.

But I think the other half would jump on board too if the term “we” was applied in a more fair and consistent way.  For example, if couples are going to say “we” are pregnant, shouldn’t they also say “we” worked until midnight last night, “we” got promoted, and “we” got a huge year-end bonus?  If a man is going to take credit when a woman successfully carries and delivers a baby, shouldn’t a woman take credit when he successfully endures a hellish nine months at the office?  Just a little food for thought.

I know one thing, I just talked to my guy and learned that “we” won quite a bit of money playing poker last night.  I can definitely get used to this “we” thing.  Copyright © 2010 Alison James

How to Make a Bed: A Visual Guide for Men

January 11, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Personal Growth

Many women complain that the guy in their life never makes the bed or cleans up after himself.  They say things like “He doesn’t do a thing to help out around the house” or “He’s such a slob” or “He doesn’t even notice when our apartment is a mess.”  But let’s give men the benefit of the doubt for a minute.  Maybe they want to make the bed in the morning but they don’t do it because they simply don’t know how.  

This blog post is a special treat for all the men out there.  A visual guide that you can follow the next time you see those sheets and pillows in disarray:
 

How to Diagnose Your Own Exotic, Deadly Disease

October 3, 2009 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Health

Sick DayFlu season is here and everywhere you turn, you’ll find information on how to keep yourself safe from the new diseases and suspicious germs floating around out there.  But if you end up being one of the unlucky people that gets sick anyway, don’t assume a swig of Nyquil will do the trick.  Do your research online.  The internet provides a host of valuable information that can help you determine what rare disease you have without ever setting foot in a doctor’s office.

For example, does your body ache? You might have the flu, but have you considered the possibility that you could be suffering from the Ebola virus or Rat Bite Fever?  Are you covered in a rash?  It might be an allergic reaction to the new lotion you purchased, but if you look online, you’ll find that it could just as easily be a case of Smallpox or the onset of River Blindness.

Whatever symptoms you have, remember to remain calm while you do your internet homework.  Sudden movements can put unnecessary strain on Elephantitis-ridden limbs.

We all need to be aware of what our body is telling us.  And it’s easy to do thanks to all of the medical websites out there.  Just turn on your computer, pull up a symptom checker database, and a few clicks later you’ll know if your drippy nose is about to turn deadly. Copyright © 2009 Alison James

List of Common Symptoms Courtesy of Emedtv.com

illness-flu

Long Overdue Tips for Guys Who Love to Catcall

September 20, 2009 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Featured Posts, Personal Growth

These days, it is easy for men to find information and tips on how to be a better golfer, how to build their pectoral muscles, or how to behave on a date.  But if they want to learn how to catcall, there is a surprising dearth of data and guidance out there. 

Whether a guy is working at a construction site or playing basketball with his friends, when a woman walks by and he feels the urge to say something, he’s on his own.  There are no helpful hints available, no where he can go to learn how to whistle, hoot, and holler properly – until now!

Here are a few long overdue tips for those men who love to catcall:

1.  Be self-aware.  Gentlemen, if you are missing teeth, have a tattoo of Satan on your arm, and you are carrying a giant saw, you are better off keeping your mouth shut entirely.  Your comments will scare the crap out of any woman who walks by.  Your goal is to flatter a woman, not to inspire her to invest in pepper spray and a high-tech security system.

2.  Geography matters.  While it might be proper to say “hello Ma’am,” in the South, if you are North of the Mason Dixon line and you call a thirty-something woman “Ma’am,” you might get punched in the face.  “Ma’am” is akin to saying “Hey old lady.” Always use “Miss” in a catcall. 

3.  Think about the words you’re saying.  It is simply not in your best interest to say things like “Oh baby, I wanna take you home to Momma.”  Women perceive a comment like this one as a threat.  She does not want to meet your mother – ever. 

4.  Don’t play favorites.  Do you have to yell at the scantily clad nineteen year-old woman when the rest of us are walking by in our baggy frumpy work clothes?  Your comments serve as a painful reminder that we can no longer wear short shorts because we have bigger buns than Cinnabon.  Remember: when you whistle at that girl, you gain one friend, but you make a thousand enemies who will never forget your face or the fact that there is a sledge hammer sitting three feet from you every morning.

5.  A woman is not a giant pork chop.  What is with the food sounds? Slurping, drooling, or whispering “delicious” in a creepy voice is not flattering to any of us.  We are women, not a juicy slab of meat.  When we hear these sounds, we can’t help but wonder if you are about to chase after us with a bucket of marinade and a steak knife. 

6. Keep dating.  Chances are you will not meet the girl of your dreams by yelling at random women from the top of a scaffolding platform.  Perhaps you’ve already figured this one out, but it is worth mentioning again here.

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she is thrilled if a dirty guy standing in a sewer calls her “yummy,” but none of us are there yet.  So, please stick with the standard catcalls like “Hey beautiful,” “Smile honey” and the like.  When we hear these comments, we can go on our merry way feeling flattered that you noticed us and, you can go about your day knowing that you’ve done a good deed for womankind.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James

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One Way His New Job Will Affect You That You Didn’t Think Of

July 16, 2009 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Career, Featured Posts, Relationships

If the guy in your life is looking for a new job, at some point he will ask you for your opinion on where he should work.  As you consider his options, you’ll probably think about how much each job pays, what his responsibilities will be, and the type of people he’ll be working with.  But before you give him your recommendation, there is another critical factor you must consider:  What stores will be across the street from his new office?

Why, you ask?  Well, think back to the gifts he gave you for your birthday, your anniversary, and other holidays.  Do you see a pattern?  He bought all of them at one of the stores near his office, didn’t he?

Men buy gifts at the last minute.  They run out during their lunch hour on Valentine’s Day and buy the last card on the rack at CVS.  They stop on the way home from work on your birthday to buy you whatever they find at the front of the nearest store.   So, if your guy works near a Taco Bell, you can pretty much count on receiving a coupon for a bean burrito for your next anniversary.  If you don’t like bean burritos, you might want to steer him toward that job in the jewelry district.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James

surprise

 

Why Men Like Booty

June 10, 2009 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Family & Parenting, Featured Posts

Do you remember dressing up as a princess as a little girl, donning the pink frilly dress and the jeweled tiara for Halloween or a birthday party? We all went through a “princess phase,” although it wasn’t really a phase because we never completely outgrew it. Even as adults, we dream about meeting a handsome prince, being rescued from the hellish dating scene, and living happily ever after in a modern castle with an in ground pool instead of a moat.

But, as you know, real life doesn’t always work out that way. Men don’t always exhibit the most prince-like behavior. Sometimes we have to fend off the dragon and clean the castle by ourselves, and find our own way out of the tower.  Men are kind of clueless when it comes to creating the perfect fairy tale romance and we often wonder why.

Well, I think I’ve discovered the origin of the problem. I went to the store over the weekend and this is what I found:

The suggested theme for a little girl’s party:

princessparty1

princessvaluepack

 

The suggested theme for a little boy’s party – not a “Prince” party as we might think – but instead we have this:

pirateparty

 

piratessword

We get a pretty lacy outfit, a magic wand, and a tiara.  The boys get rope, an eye patch, and an inflatable sword.  It sort of explains why we spend our lives in search of the perfect fairy tale romance and men spend theirs in an endless search for booty. Copyright © 2009 Alison James