Welcome visitor!      Log in     Profile       Subscribe to The Official Site of Author, Humorist and TV Personality Alison JamesNews Feed

Do Trampy Women Cause Earthquakes?

April 19, 2010 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Beauty & Style, Fashion

Do trampy women cause earthquakes?  It’s a question I frequently ask and today the answer to this mystery was finally revealed.  “A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes” the Associated Press reports.  Here is a quote from the article:  

“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes,” Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media.  Sedighi is Tehran’s acting Friday prayer leader.

I don’t even know what to say.  I’m speechless. 

I mean, how did he know?  How did he finally figure out that we, in our glorious slut gear, are responsible for plate tectonics? 

This is how it happens:  Women go outside revealing a little too much leg, (or if you are in Iran, a little too much wrist).  Then, within hours, the earth opens up and swallows an entire city.  

It’s that simple.  Yet, oddly enough, even my college Geology professor didn’t see the link. 

Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi – you’ve really done it!  And in your honor, I think it is only right that scientists call your discovery “The Ho Theory of Plate Tectonics.” 

Here is a link to the full article on yahoo news.  Read and enjoy!



I’m Pretty Sure Male Shoe Designers Hate Us

June 15, 2009 by Alison  
Filed under Alison's Blog, Beauty & Style, Fashion

Sometimes I feel like (a.) shoes must be designed exclusively by men and (b.) those men hate us.  I just can’t figure out why every pair of shoes I buy hurts like hell.  Even the shoes that cost a decent amount of money hurt my feet.  How hard can it be for designers, shoe companies, SOMEONE…ANYONE to create a shoe out of material that doesn’t cause excruciating pain?  It can’t be that hard, right?  So, I wrote this letter on behalf of all the women out there like me who spend their life limping around town.  If I don’t get a response, I think we should all start sending these guys photos of our messed up feet. 

Dear Mr. Shoe Designer (this means you Mr. Blahnik, Mr. Cole, Mr. Choo, Mr. Dior, Mr. Kors, Mr. Weitzman as well as both of you Mr. Dolce & Mr. Gabbana…and of course you, Mr. Payless),

You have probably already figured out that women love shoes of all sizes, shapes, colors, and persuasions.  But quite frankly, we don’t love you very much right now.   Because your shoes are ripping our feet to shreds!  By the end of each day, we are in so much foot pain that we feel like we need to take a trip to the emergency room.  We are keeping Johnson & Johnson in business, buying boxes of Band-Aids and cases of Neosporin. 

Your shoes keep us in an awkward limp for most of our adult lives.  And maybe that’s exactly where you want us.  Maybe you are a little sadistic, or you want to see us barefoot and pregnant again.  I don’t know what your motive is.  But if you are trying to create sexy shoes that sell, let me remind you that there is nothing sexy about toe paralysis, Mr. Shoe Designer.  Really, there’s not.

We aren’t asking you to ditch style for comfort and start making moon boots with heels or orthopedic shoes in a variety of shades of gray. We just want to wear something on our feet that doesn’t put us at risk for gangrene. Is that too much to ask?

We don’t see men hobbling up and down the street in their shoes, so we know you have it in you to make a product we can wear.  I have a novel idea: Why don’t you hire women to WALK in the shoes before you sell them?  If your testers don’t return and you find them lying in a heap on the sidewalk with their feet wrapped in gauze, that’s a little indication that you need to consider a redesign. 

That’s all I have to say for now, Mr. Shoe Designer.  But you will be hearing from me again, next time after I’ve been dancing for six hours at a wedding.  Because you deserve inspired letters that are written straight from the heart.      

Thank you for your time.

United Sisterhood of Unbearable Crippling Killer shoes (U SUCK) 

Copyright © 2009 Alison James