Today is my birthday and given I never did a Mother’s Day tribute, I think it’s only right to take a moment today to say “Thank You” to the cool, funny, awesome, and somewhat crazy woman who brought me into this world and supported me through fat and thin.
She taught me so much but she didn’t teach by preaching at me. She taught me important life lessons by leaving really long messages on my answering machine.
And she also taught me by example. She tried to live her life the way she wanted me to live my own.
She showed me that a mother’s love is unconditional and encouraged me to reach for my goals. She taught me that you should never put a pillow over a man’s head when he snores or you might hurt him; that balancing goopy, saucy casserole dishes on top of the fridge is just a bad idea; and, she taught me that when you paint the bathroom, you should never paint all the pipes, the vanity, and the inside of the tub or your husband will get really mad.
And perhaps most importantly, she taught me that it’s never wrong to have your own sense of style….. well, almost never…..
My Mom in the 1970s
My Mom Today
Do trampy women cause earthquakes? It’s a question I frequently ask and today the answer to this mystery was finally revealed. “A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes” the Associated Press reports. Here is a quote from the article:
“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes,” Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media. Sedighi is Tehran’s acting Friday prayer leader.
I don’t even know what to say. I’m speechless.
I mean, how did he know? How did he finally figure out that we, in our glorious slut gear, are responsible for plate tectonics?
This is how it happens: Women go outside revealing a little too much leg, (or if you are in Iran, a little too much wrist). Then, within hours, the earth opens up and swallows an entire city.
It’s that simple. Yet, oddly enough, even my college Geology professor didn’t see the link.
Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi – you’ve really done it! And in your honor, I think it is only right that scientists call your discovery “The Ho Theory of Plate Tectonics.”
Here is a link to the full article on yahoo news. Read and enjoy!
Every year on my birthday, I can’t help but wonder if my look and style are still appropriate for my age. I ask myself questions like “Do I need to cut off my long hair? Am I looking haggy? Can I still wear sexy clothing? If I put glitter on my face for a party, will I look like the old person who is trying too hard to be cool?”
This year, I came to the realization that my concerns are unfounded. Anything can go at any age, as long as you have the attitude to pull it off. And I have this woman below to thank for my revelation. She has to be at least 60 years old and here she is, running errands in a t-shirt that I haven’t seen since college. I want to thank this woman because she reminds us that we are never too old to show our flair for fashion and our love of alcohol. And we are never too old to ask the truly important question “Got beer anyone?” Copyright © 2009 Alison James
Sometimes I feel like (a.) shoes must be designed exclusively by men and (b.) those men hate us. I just can’t figure out why every pair of shoes I buy hurts like hell. Even the shoes that cost a decent amount of money hurt my feet. How hard can it be for designers, shoe companies, SOMEONE…ANYONE to create a shoe out of material that doesn’t cause excruciating pain? It can’t be that hard, right? So, I wrote this letter on behalf of all the women out there like me who spend their life limping around town. If I don’t get a response, I think we should all start sending these guys photos of our messed up feet.
Dear Mr. Shoe Designer (this means you Mr. Blahnik, Mr. Cole, Mr. Choo, Mr. Dior, Mr. Kors, Mr. Weitzman as well as both of you Mr. Dolce & Mr. Gabbana…and of course you, Mr. Payless),
You have probably already figured out that women love shoes of all sizes, shapes, colors, and persuasions. But quite frankly, we don’t love you very much right now. Because your shoes are ripping our feet to shreds! By the end of each day, we are in so much foot pain that we feel like we need to take a trip to the emergency room. We are keeping Johnson & Johnson in business, buying boxes of Band-Aids and cases of Neosporin.
Your shoes keep us in an awkward limp for most of our adult lives. And maybe that’s exactly where you want us. Maybe you are a little sadistic, or you want to see us barefoot and pregnant again. I don’t know what your motive is. But if you are trying to create sexy shoes that sell, let me remind you that there is nothing sexy about toe paralysis, Mr. Shoe Designer. Really, there’s not.
We aren’t asking you to ditch style for comfort and start making moon boots with heels or orthopedic shoes in a variety of shades of gray. We just want to wear something on our feet that doesn’t put us at risk for gangrene. Is that too much to ask?
We don’t see men hobbling up and down the street in their shoes, so we know you have it in you to make a product we can wear. I have a novel idea: Why don’t you hire women to WALK in the shoes before you sell them? If your testers don’t return and you find them lying in a heap on the sidewalk with their feet wrapped in gauze, that’s a little indication that you need to consider a redesign.
That’s all I have to say for now, Mr. Shoe Designer. But you will be hearing from me again, next time after I’ve been dancing for six hours at a wedding. Because you deserve inspired letters that are written straight from the heart.
Thank you for your time.
United Sisterhood of Unbearable Crippling Killer shoes (U SUCK)
Copyright © 2009 Alison James
Scientists believe CFC-containing aerosol sprays damage the ozone layer and consequently, contribute to global climate change. CFC production was phased out completely by 1996, but they were about 10 years too late. 1986 to 1996 were “The Aqua Net Years,” a time of big hair and “the wall of bangs.” And when I review old photos of myself from those years, I realize that I might be solely responsible for the giant hole in the Ozone Layer that is causing this whacky weather all around the world. Think I’m kidding? You decide….
Copyright © 2009 Alison James