Surviving a Breakup Is Easier than Spending Your Life with a Jackass

If you are going through a breakup right now you probably feel like your life sucks and it will never get better. Your friends are giving you that sympathetic look that makes you want to slap them.  And you are monitoring your phone or blackberry by the minute in case a new message pops up from him (that you swear you are going to ignore this time).

Rest assured, as time passes, your ex will become a distant memory. Then, one day when you least expect it, he’ll contact you through Facebook just like the hundreds of other weirdos from high school who have managed to find you online. And you will say “Oh my gosh. I remember him. I can’t believe I dated him. Why didn’t someone stop me?”

Until that glorious day arrives, here are a few things you can do to help you get through the tough times:

* Turn off the sappy music…No 80s heartthrob CD, no light listening, no “The Best of Wilson Philips”…put them all away. For the next six weeks you are only allowed to listen to upbeat club tunes with a strong drum beat played by a hot drummer. If you want, you can imagine the drummer drumming on your ex’s head.

* Make a list of all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t working. Get out a couple of notebooks because once you get started you are going to need more than one. And begin with (a) he broke up with me (b) he is a jackass who will regret it and (c) I am too good for him anyway. Now you fill out the rest.

* Rebound men are good, especially if they are cute, fun, and willing to spend a little bit of cash. Don’t let anyone tell you that you need time to take time away from dating. Of course you need time to yourself but it doesn’t hurt to have a few guys around on weekends to take you out to dinner and build your ego. If you can’t meet a good selection of men at bars, parties, or through friends, try online dating. Sure, there are stalkers online but there are stalkers everywhere. If you use your common sense (don’t meet the guy on a back country road, avoid men with duct tape and ropes in their car) you’ll be fine.

* Stop your mind when it begins to wander and imagine crazy things. At some point you’ll imagine your ex riding on a white steed through a field with a hot woman on the back. Or you’ll imagine he’s dating your friend or the bartender or the woman who cuts his hair at Supercuts or…. you get the picture. Basically when we’re under stress, our brain invents all sorts of worst case scenarios. Recognize when you are torturing yourself this way and stop. Replace your vision of him on the steed with a vision of him getting tossed from the horse and landing on his ass.

* Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. You don’t have to throw it out if that idea is too painful right now, but put it all in a box and give it to your best friend to pack away for you. Down the road she’ll call you up and say “Do you want this box of stuff you left at my apartment?” and you won’t even remember what is in it. Then you’ll go over to her place and you’ll stand over the box, peer into it, and slowly peel back the tape, hoping that it doesn’t contain something that was edible once upon a time.

* Remember that things happen for a reason, even breakups. The Universe (God, Mother Nature, Zeus, whatever you call it in your life) knows a thing or two that you don’t know and definitely has better, bigger men in store for you.

Breaking up is painful but nowhere near as painful as staying with the wrong guy for a year or five years or 35 years. Be happy the relationship ended when it did and focus on finding someone new and better. The best revenge is living well (and making sure your ex finds out about it).  Copyright © 2009 Alison James

The Grass isn’t Greener in NYC – In Fact, We Don’t Have Grass At All

Some of my friends that live in smaller towns tell me that they are jealous that I live in New York City. They say their weekends are boring and there isn’t enough excitement in their life. In response to their dissatisfaction, I would like to say “I was born in a small town…and I can breathe in a small town.” (John Cougar Mellencamp)

In New York, there are so many people and cars and smells that I can’t breathe at all. I’ve lived here for 12 years and I think I’m going to die of the Black Lung from the pollution or at the very least, catch some kind of respiratory disease from the constant barrage of odors coming from the garbage room in the hallway of my building.

Imagine sitting in a cab for 40 minutes and going five blocks because some weirdo is lying in the middle of the street blocking traffic. Imagine waiting in line to buy coffee for 15 minutes in the morning because everyone in front of you is ordering a grande-sugar-free-mocha-soy-double-latte-no whip. Imagine living in an outrageously priced apartment the size of the crawl space where they hid the bodies on the last episode of 48 Hours Mystery. Those are just a few of the lovely experiences you have to look forward to if you are moving to New York City.

Now, don’t get me wrong, New York is worth visiting. I would even suggest you live here for a couple of years if you get the chance. There is truly no where else like it in the world – the high-rise buildings, the lights in Time Square, and the total freak show every single day all around you. In the past year I have seen (a) a guy running in a full leotard up and down Second Avenue; (b) a guy watching television on the sidewalk with his TV balanced on a garbage can; and, (c) several men who are prettier than I am. With entertainment like this, who needs Broadway?

The bottom line is that there are trade-offs to living anywhere and you give up part of your sanity to live in New York City (or maybe you have to be a little insane to move here in the first place). So, if you are living in a small town and you think the grass is greener in the Big Apple, remember we don’t even have any grass – unless you count the little tufts peeking up through the cracks in the sidewalk or the kind the shady guys sell in Tompkins Square Park.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James

 

Tips for New Writers on How to Break Into the Business

People often ask me how they can break into the business and get their book or magazine article published. I say “What are you crazy? Go into finance where you’ll make some real money.” But they don’t listen. They still want to do it.

While I’m sure there are many ways to get started as a writer, some are better than others. For example, I do not recommend stealing anyone else’s material or dating an agent or an editor in an attempt to get your foot in the door (unless he’s really cute…just kidding of course…don’t mix business and pleasure. It gets far too messy). Hard work is your best bet. So, here are a few key tips based on my experience.

#1: Do not tell anyone you have plans to “break into” the business. You might get arrested.  Okay, that’ s a lame joke.  But I tried.  And trying is important if you want to be a writer.

#2: Go to the bookstore and buy a book on how to get published. I admit that I’m taking the easy way out by dishing out advice like “Go buy a book full of someone else’s advice.” But people have written volumes about this topic and the information they provide is right on target. I started out by reading Publishing for Dummies and then picked up a few others. These books take you through the process from start to finish, and give you an idea of the giant mess you are about to get yourself into.

#3: Ignore all of your friends, coworkers, and family members who tell you that you are wasting your time. Let their comments motivate you. Write something sarcastic about them and get it published just to prove them wrong.   

#4: Find people to evaluate your work and give you constructive feedback.  Make sure they have writing and publishing experience. Do not rely on friends and family members for feedback. Uncle Ray might be fantastic at fixing cars but that doesn’t mean he has an eye for good fiction. 

#5: Try to enjoy the writing process and don’t focus entirely on getting published. Even if, in the end, you never get anything published, at least you can say you tried. And you might discover along the way some piece of information that will help you in another area of your life.  (This piece of advice sounds like something your mother would say because it is something your mother would say!  But moms are right once in a while.)

#6: Remember that publishing is a business. In other words, the agents and editors want to make money. When you are writing something to submit for consideration, focus on topics that will sell and ideas that will reach a wide audience of readers. If no one wants to read your book about your deformed hermit crab or your trip to Cancun, no one is going to want to publish it.

#7: Write. Yes, unfortunately it is true. To be a writer you must write. It’s easy to talk about writing and think about writing, but doing it is excruciating at times. It takes a lot of dedication and patience to sit down and start writing. And it takes confidence to keep writing. In the beginning, you will judge every word you put down on the page. You will reread it, decide it sucks and give up. Then you’ll return to it and try again. You will get frustrated regularly but you have to keep writing.

#8: Do some positive self-talk. Recite a mantra like “I am a great writer! I can make this happen.” It’s easy to get discouraged but positive thinking will help you. Recite the mantra in public and then write down people’s reactions when they see you talking to yourself.  It will make a great first article. 

#9: Read a lot. People always tell writers to read a lot. I often wonder “Does reading smutty content online count? Does reading a Harlequin Romance novel count? How about reading my mother’s page long emails that she writes in all caps like she’s screaming at me? Does that type of reading do anything for my writing skills?” I’m sure reading a lot must help us write better but I can’t tell you how or why.

#10: Keep trying. Very few people succeed overnight. Most people submit many articles and proposals and get rejected several times before they succeed. Many people decide to blog for a while to get their fingers warmed up and then eventually they find a niche topic to write about that fits their personality and they turn it into a book proposal. If you’re serious about becoming a writer, you have to keep at it even when you’re feeling frustrated.

There is no short-cut to becoming a published writer as far as I know. It is a long, arduous process. Some say it is like giving birth. The pain is unbearable but when you hold the final product in your hands, you forget about everything you went through.  You stare lovingly at your little book baby and say “I want to do it again.” Then, your significant other looks at you in horror and runs like hell.  Copyright © 2009 Alison James